You Win.

It's 12:20AM. I cannot sleep. I got up with intention of writing a post about decisions - difficulties and outcomes. Yet, I wrote a few sentances and deleted them all. I can't even make a decision about whether to write about decisions or not! Lately, I have poisoned my confidence. I'm not sure why. I didn't encounter a situation that resulted in a bad outcome due to my direction or decision making ability (or lack there of). I don't have any significant regret. But all the sudden, half a second of doubt clouds my thoughts and I fluster over what decision to make and I have been choosing poorly.

So poorly in fact, I'm internalizing alot of misery that I don't have an outlet to release to. Of course, I think my blog is bearing it at the moment. I suppose a lot of grown up life choices will be coming my way in the next year and I am practicing in the utmost wrong kinds of ways. Lessons learned perhaps.

In all honesty, I think I am being taught a lesson and I don't want to admit it. Normally, I make lots of decisions - eithical, mediocre, moral, and trivial... decisions = control, right? You know that saying, 'You want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.' I think He's been watching my life as if it belongs in the prime time 7PM television lineup. I got more jokes than Two and a Half Men, before it threw a hail Mary attempt post-Charlie Sheen. I like control. I like safeness. I don't usually ask many questions I haven't already googled the answer to. Here's my first acknowledgement to the 12-step program I think I was unawaredly enrolled in - God, I'm all yours. Figure me out.