My cousin Joe got married this weekend in Alabama. With the unsettlement in our family right now, I wasn't sure what to make of the trip. Mom, Dad, Nick and I were the only relatives attending from my dad's side of the family.
The passing of my grandma was so much more difficult than I or anymore foresaw. She was definitely on my mind throughout the weekend. Not a week ago, I went back to her house in Athens. Saw all the belongings she had left behind, momentos that she loved, gifts we had given her, all strewn out on tables like an estate sale. My grandma kept the Pollard family bound together. She was the invisible thread that hand knitted us to each other. Heartbreaking to watch it all unravel.
I had a great childhood. I have so many memories of Nick and I growing up surrounded by an extended family that seemed to be living equally satisfying lives. Divorce hadn't plagued relationships and holidays were truly enjoyable. Nick and I always looked forward to seeing our cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. Every Thanksgiving and Christmas we got to see both sides of our family and without a doubt came home with way too many gifts.
And then you get older. The spirit of joy and family isn't so magical. You learn there's resentment, jealousy, even hatred living within your family. People you looked up to with so much respect for 26 years suddenly decide family isn't the bond that they should treasure.
This holiday season will be our first, new tradition of no tradition. I always turned my nose up at carving the turkey each year, much to my Grandma Ellen's dismay. But this year, there will be no turkey at Grandma's.
I was sitting in the church pew waiting for the wedding to start. My mom looked over and said she couldn't help but think about Grandma. I turn my head and crawling along the edge of the pew bench, was a lady bug. A small reminder that she's still with us. We'll be ok.
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